Last night, I had this dream again. Usually, it recurs on the 10th day of the month. When I woke up, I opened my laptop and read what I wrote years ago…
In my night dreams, I keep seeing you and me, holding each others’ hands like we can’t be separated.
We look so happy like a newlywed couple, celebrating in the garden. We were smiling sweetly while the white roses were showered upon our heads.
The dream is so clear and vivid. I thought it was real. I could smell the freshness of the air and the scent of those flowers. You were dressed in that long white gown as I held your hands while running away from the crowd. We’re running carefree like children in the playground. We’re sliding and swinging as we felt the soft breeze of the air. But then all of a sudden, I lost you. You were no longer beside me in the swing. But it was still moving but without you in the seat.
I was awakened to see a tear fall on my pillow. So sad and empty I’ve always been, realizing you really don’t want me after all.
Turning back the hands of clock, the first time I saw you was in a beauty pageant in our place. I was a junior high school student at that time. At my first sight of you, I fell in love with you. I thought ‘love at first sight’ doesn’t exist but it did happen to me when your flashing beauty caught me. My heart beat faster. I was catching my breath. It’s really true when a song says, “You take my breath away.“
And so I did everything I could to meet you. The crowd kept me away from you. You were so famous. All people cheered for you. They admired you. The pictures, the media, and the glamour sent me an indirect message that you couldn’t be reached.
I refused to believe. There was no woman who crossed my path who gave me such extraordinary joy until you walked there on the stage. I didn’t understand it. It was strange but I had to let the outpouring of my heart’s desires to go ahead and meet you.
With all my guts, we finally met. When you stood before in my presence, it was as if I was in front of a princess from a fairyland. God, you’re magically beautiful! I thought I was gazing at the most special creature of all kinds.
And so we got to know each other. Successive phone calls I made. Until now, I can utter your home phone number automatically. Your voice, just the tone of your voice made my day. Your voice, so feminine, so gentle and pure. I’d rather not eat than not hear your voice on a single day.
Thoughtfulness is what I hold dear in my heart for it’s the only memory I had with you.
Time passed, I noticed you started to avoid me. Maybe I called you too often. Maybe I visited you too often. Maybe I gave you too much of those fancy things.
I hope someday, by accident, you get to read this writing.
Do you still remember the big Valentine’s card I gave you? Do you know, according to the store manager of National Book Store, it’s the biggest card they’ve ever sold. Yet I bought it not minding the people who were staring at me. Maybe, they were thinking on who’s this crazy guy carrying that huge red card.
Do you still remember that every letter in that card came from a letter cut from magazines and newspapers? Do you know it took me almost a week to complete it? But it didn’t matter. What matters was the message on that card. Do you still have it with you? I guess you already threw it away long ago. You must have torn it apart.
You didn’t answer my phone calls anymore. But I kept my patience. Maybe you were just busy in school. Anyhow, I continued and gave you some space you needed. I waited because you told me that if I truly love you, I can wait. And so I did.
Year after year, I waited until you gave me a piece of yellow paper saying:
“Thank you very much, Mike, for your being congenial. I appreciate it a lot. You said you love me so much because I make you happy. I’m sorry to tell you, I don’t buy it. We’re still too young to think about love and relationship. I have a lot of things in my mind. I got dreams to fulfill. But if you can wait longer, let’s see how it goes.”
I read it over and over again, trying to fully grasp what you really mean in that letter. I was listening to Mark Sherman’s “Changes in My Life.”
The music became my only friend at that moment. I didn’t know how to react to your letter. I was just wondering, “Is it not enough that I’ve waited for you this long?”
But I took your word in my heart which was then starting to bleed. I kept covering it so as not to expose the hole you caused in one way or the other. In spite of it, I went on and waited as you said. Another year after year passed until such time, I saw you. You were with a man. I couldn’t help but to confront you. You just simply said, “Mike, meet my boyfriend.”
I faked my smile and walked away. I don’t want to recall what happened after it for the more pain is being inflicted against my spirit, my spirit to survive, my spirit to live.
I admit I hated you. You could have told me earlier. I would have accepted it. Why were you hiding the truth all along? I hated you.
I thought I could hate you forever. The dream persisted again. Same dream. Same scene and same carefree happy feeling. Why? I’ve already moved on long ago but in my night dreams, you keep entering into subconsciousness.
I thought I hated you but I hate to admit that I still love you silently.
A couple of years ago, by chance out of nowhere. I saw your picture on Facebook. The same feeling came back. My heart beat faster. You took my breath away. And so I sent you a friend request. After two years of waiting, you never accepted my request. What’s surprising I’ve let go of any ill-feeling towards you. No more hate but only contentment to see you happy with your husband and kids in the US.
I bid you goodbye, Therese. I now release you for I’ve imprisoned my hopeless romantic love for you, for so many painful years. I now free you. I’m letting go of my undying love for you. I’m unfastening my silly love for you. I’m now free.
But why do I still dream about you? The same damn vivid happy dream, holding, smiling, sliding, and swinging…